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The following is a quote from the book Surviving the Secret, written by Kathy Rodriguez and Pam Vredevelt Typical Offender Behaviors Behavioral characteristics of the typical sex offender fall into eight areas: 1. He is self-centered. He views himself as most important and meets his own needs at the expense of others'. Not only does he consider himself number one in the world, he also believes he is the center of everybody else's experience and that others revolve around him. 2. The offender does not own responsibility for his actions. He constantly demeans others and does not admit mistakes or weaknesses. He blames others and lies, justifies, denies or minimizes his own behavior when caught in compromising situations. 3. He builds shallow and/or transitory relationships. He is not able to truly experience intimacy and is usually a taker in relationships. He invites others to care for him and generally remains in relationships only as long as his needs are met. 4. He uses power and control to manipulate others for his benefit. Offenders are manipulative and live to maneuver situations so they have the upper hand. To insure cooperation, they often speak of their trustworthiness as fathers. By usine vague threats of what may happen if their victims bring the truth out in the open and by promising bodily harm or a family split, offenders can pressure victims to play along. 5. He capitalizes on the emotions of others. The offender learns to take advantage of the emotional sensitivities of others in order to control their behavior. He may play a victim role by telling his daughter her mother misunderstands him. While saying something like, "Your mother just doesn't understand what I need, the way you do...," the offender sets himself up as a victim in his daughter's eyes and capitalizes on her unmet emotional needs. He effectively secures her sympathy and cooperation. At other times he may pretend to be angry in order to use fear to enlist his daughter's cooperation. 6. The offender generally avoids constructive problem solving. Instead, he uses destructive forms of conflict resolution such as "getting away with," "getting back at others," or "putting it over on others." He rarely takes personal responsibility for anything. To him institutions and persons are things to outsmart and the offender takes pride in deception and his abilities to outwit others. 7. Incestuous fathers commonly repeat their own family background by marrying passive, powerless women. The offender has a low opinion of women, seeing them as weak and easily intimidated by his power. Often he does not know how to receive genuine caring; consequently he may keep his wife at a distance so that she remains powerless to meet his emotional needs. 8. Offending fathers tend to overinvest in the family by exerting rigid control over family members. They exploit their authoritative role by holding tight reins on their daughters and accusing them of seductive behavior. While holding up a peaceful facade to the rest of the world, they may become violent behind closed doors with family. In reality they are ineffective parents, self-absorbed highly dependent upon family members to fulfill their unrealistic expectations. In an effort to avoid their own battles, offenders inflict pain on others, as we can see from these typical behavior patterns. Such behavior does not happen without reason; it comes as a result of past experience and present choices and reflects specific character traits. Common Thinking Errors Offenders Use to Accomplish their Manipulations 1. Excuse making. When others hold offenders accountable for irresponsible actions, they make excuses to justify their behavior. Jack said he molested his daughter because he was out of work, depressed, and felt worthless. Others say: "I can't help myself." "I'm dumb." "I don't know why I did it." "I was never loved." "My family was poor." "My family was rich." The excuses go on and on. 2. Blaming. By using this technique the offender avoids solving problems. Instead of facing up to his actions, he blames and builds cases against others for "causing" whatever happened. For instance John blamed his problems on his daughter, Sally. He said, "She is always scatily dressed. It's her fault I lost control." As he blamed Sally, John's resentment escalated. He felt justified offending while focusing on her wrongs. John tended to blame others, not only in heated fights, but also in everyday conversations. At times he even made crass comments about total strangers. This was exciting to him because he left a scene unscathed, feeling like a superman. 3. Minimizing. Offenders tend to minimize irresponsible behavior. When confronted, they make light of their wrongs and emphasize the insignificance of their offenses. Kevin said: "I only molested three children. I could have molested a lot more, but I didn't." This attitude also filtered into his college experiences. When talking about flunking a class, he said, "I didn't hand in the paper when it was due, but I handed in everything else. It's no big deal." 4. Justifying. Offenders often excuse their behavior with elaborate justifications. While conversing with them, you might hear: "If he can do it, then it must be okay for me to do it." "I was so lonely, I had to." "He yelled at me, so I hit him." "No one listens to me. That's why I can't do anything." 5. Redefining. When an offender redefines a situation, he shifts the focus of conversation to avoid talking about the problem. 6. Vagueness. Offenders communicate unclearly and nonspecifically to avoid being pinned down. They are noncommittal and use words that sound good to others and protect them from involvement. Phrases like these fill their vocabulary: "I more or less think so," "I guess," "probably," "maybe," "I might," "I'm not sure about this," "It's possible," and so on. 7. Lying. This is the most pronounce characteristic of criminal thinking. The offender uses lying in a variety of ways to confuse, distort, and make fools of other people. Three types of lies are told: lies of commission, lies of omission, and lies of assent. A lie of commission involves inventing untrue ideas. Mark lied to his daughter by saying, "All fathers teach their daughters about sex this way." When an offender tells a lie of omission, he communicates partial truth with the intent to deceive. Tom confessed to parts of his offense, but did not tell the entire story in detail. An offender may admit to fondling a victim but not to intercourse. Offenders also tell lies of assent, which take the form of passive agreements between the offender and someone else. When George was discovered molesting his twelve-year-old daughter, he skillfully used this tactic with his pastor. After meeting together regularly for several months, Pastor Jim felt George had sincerely repented. On several occasions George agreed with Jim never to touch his daughter again. Convinced of George's good intentions, Jim counseled his wife, encouraging her to allow George back into the home. Within a month George was caught molesting his daughter again. After months of therapy, George admitted, "Even though I agreed to leave my daughter alone, deep down I knew it would happen again. It was just a matter of time. I only agreed with Jim so that he would believe that I was okay and get off my back." Sometimes offenders look as if they are lying when they're not. At other times, they appear to be genuinely honest, while actually deceiving others. The behavior is intentional, and their strategy aims at keeping others around them guessing so that they can remain in control. Skilled lying like this make it very difficult for helping professionals to work with offenders. Because abusers have played the lying game so long, they have a hard time sifting fact and fiction. Untrained professionals are easily conviced by these imposters. 8. Making fools of others. Offenders find great pleasure in setting people up for failure by making promises they never inted to keep. They delight in duping therapists, lawyers, judges, and pastors and brag about their craftiness in persuading professionals to believe them. 9. Assuming. Offenders spend a great deal of time assuming what others think. They use assumptions as a springboard for destructive activities. Ted assumed other didn't like him and were plotting against him, which gave him an excuse to blow up, rob, molest, or do anything else he had in mind. 10. I'm unique. The offender believes that he is unique and different from everyone else. What applies to others simply does not affect him. He's convinced he knows everything and can handle things alone. We frequently hear offenders say, "I don't need people! Besides, no one understands me anyway." Even when incarceated, an offender may believe that everyone in prison except him is a criminal. 11. Ingratiating. The criminal often goes out of his way to be kind and to act interested in others. However, his phoniness has a hidden price tag. He is most interested in what he can get from others and how to manipulate, use, or control situations for his own purposes. 12. Fragmented thinking. Dan went to church on Sunday, abused on Monday and Tuesday, and attended church again on Wednesday. Seeing himself as a good person who deserved to do what he wanted. Dan never considered the inconsistency of his actions. His thoughts and behaviors were not tied together by integrity, and he had divided his life into little, unconnected campartments. Although he seemed a pillar of the community by day, he abused by night. As he saw it one role had little to do with the other. 13. Closed minded. Offenders are secretive about their personal lives and do not want evaluation and feedback from others. Their self-righteous narrow-mindedness forces outsiders to keep their distance. 14. Victim playing. Offenders tend to act as if they cannot take responsibility for their lives. They whine, shuffle, act helpless, and pretend that they are too stupid to do anything for themselves. When they don't get what they want, they play a victim role and act as if they are good and others are bad. Such manipulative tactics usually invite either criticism or rescue from those around them. 15. Power plays. Tim used power plays whenever he didn't get his own way. He walked out of rooms during disagreements and didn't complete jobs he agreed to do. At other times he grounded his daughter when she rebuffed his sexual overtures. Sometimes he pitted his children against his wife. On one occasion he enlisted his daughters' support by promising them an outing. When his wife told him it was inconvenient for her, Tim sulked and encouraged his children's temper tantrums until she finally consented to go. 16. Anger. John used anger inappropriately to get his way. His temper tantrums and explosive reactions created emotional scenes and instilled fear in others. While pretending to be outraged, he manipulated and controlled his children and their friends. 17. Ownership. During a counseling session, Steve said, "She's my wife, and I can treat her however I want!" He believed that anything he desired was his, simply because he owned it. He treated people as pawns and also used this thinking error to justify theft. When offenders justify behavior and focus on their reasons for abuse, they avoid facing their wrongs and their need to repent, locking themselves tighter into bondage. However, if they do acknowledge sin and repent, the door to inner healing can open wide. The information on this page has been quoted from chapters three and four of Surviving the Secret, written by Kathy Rodriguez and Pam Vredevelt. You can purchase this book and other resources by going to their church website. |
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